Parenting comes with many challenges. Children talking back to parents is one of them.

It can be annoying and infuriating and can be embarrassing when in public.

In this article, I would like to share

• why pre-schoolers resort to talking back to parents

• helpful parenting tips to solve this back talking problem

• how to teach children to be assertive without being disrespectful for their long-term success.

Are you a parent going through this ‘back talking’ phase with your pre-schooler?

Do you feel like you are always fighting a losing battle with a 4-year-old?

Do you feel disrespected and hurt by the verbal retaliation?

Are you exhausted by this constant inappropriate behaviour?

Would you like to know why your child could be behaving like this and how to fix it?

Why On Earth Does My Child Talk back to Me?

Talking back gives children a sense of independence and makes them feel powerful.

When a child says, “You are not the boss of me,“ or are being obnoxious or sassy, it is the way of exerting their power over you.

When children are young, we plan or decide everything for them. 

But, as they grow older, it is only natural for the kids to want to have some control over their life.

Are you still deciding what your child will eat, wear, where will they go today or with whom they will spend the day?

Are you ordering, correcting, and micromanaging everything that your child does?

Imagine yourself with a boss treating you this way…… every day.

I know it will drive me insane.

Children can feel the same frustration.

And so, Retaliation through back talking is how children make a stand. A way to test their boundaries. It gives them a sense of control.

Some other reasons for children back talking are physical demands such as hunger, exhaustion or emotional overwhelm.

Pre-schoolers are still developing skills for recognizing their emotions and expressing those emotions verbally, which often leads to emotional overwhelm. Stubbornness or shouting mean hurtful words could be due to overwhelm.

Here is a helpful article on How to Teach Self-Regulation Skills to Pre-Schoolers.

Now let’s look at how we can give children some control back over their life.

Because remember, children retaliate to exert power. 

We are going to try and arm our children with positive power to reduce negative reactions (Back talking).

Giving Children the Power they Seek (Within Set Boundaries, Of Course) to Eliminate Back Talking

Having the ability to choose is powerful.

We are going to create opportunities for children to make choices. Allowing children to make choices will give them a way to exert their power. 

But we are the parents, and we are smart.

So, we going to give children the illusion that they are making decisions, when we will actually be getting them to do exactly what we want them to be doing, without the power struggle or the fight.

Let me explain with some examples.

“Would you like fruit salad or yogurt for dessert?” (Both healthy options)

“Do you want to wear your green jumper, or would you rather wear the red one?” (Both are warm clothes)

“Would you like to have a shower or a bath?” (Both gets the same result)

“Would you like to take teddy or giraffe to a bed today?” (still means its bedtime)

Having the ability to choose between this or that makes children feel important. 

When children’s need for exerting their power is accommodated through their decision making, there is less chance of them being uncooperative and fighting over every little thing.

Staying Calm When Children Talk Back

It is so easy to react to hurtful words that children lash out in anger.

Honestly, it makes my blood boil. But do I let it show on my face and in my reactions? NO. 

If you feel the same way, do what I do. 

Take a deep breath and calm yourself. Why? Because if you react, you give more power to your child. 

Simply do not respond, no matter how angry it makes you. You will be a good role model and show your child that lashing out is not the way to solve issues. 

Emphasize that you will listen to him when he can talk to you calmly and respectfully and walk away.

Ensure that you follow up with your child after he has calmed down. 

Understanding why your child reacted that way is important, but so is setting clear consequences. 

Eg. When you speak to mommy that way, you miss out on screen time. Ensure that you actually do carry out what you said, for your child to understand the concept of consequences for the future. 

Set clear boundaries for acceptable and unacceptable behaviour; your child can ask for what they want, but in an appropriate, respectful manner. Here is an article on How to Set Limits for Kids- 9 Tips for Behaviour Management

Knowing the Patterns and Triggers

Keep tabs on when your child usually begins to become frustrated. Is it before dinner time, that he/ she begins back talking over every little thing that is asked of them?

Has there been a change in your work schedule that is affecting regular screen time, bedtime etc.? Is your child lashing out at you because of it?

Is there a newborn in the house and your child is not getting the same attention that he used to?

I understand that as working parents, we sometimes don't have much control over how things roll out, but we can be proactive.

If you know that dinner will be later than usual or that your child gets hungry before dinner time, maybe a tiny snack could help.

Involve your child in being a 'special helper' when tending to the baby or during dinner prep, to help them feel that they are doing something important. Remember to give a little power, to eliminate negative reactions.

Engage With Children

Feeling valued and loved is intrinsic to human nature. 

A child feels valued and loved when they spend special time bonding with their parent. When your child feels a strong connection or a bond toward you, they will naturally respect you and be willing to please you (reduces retaliation over little things). 

Plan for regular uninterrupted playdates with your child where you can give them your undivided attention- even if it means turning off your phone.

Giving a name to this playdate e.g., “John and mommy’s Time,” will make this time more special for your child.

You will learn a lot about your child's likes, dislikes, language and coping skills during this time. 

Now you can make informative and fair decisions when expecting your child to do something.

Can you see how this might eliminate frustrations? When children can carry out a task confidently, they feel more in control, thus eliminating backlashing.

Here is an article- What Happens When Parents Spend More Quality Time With Children

If you need genuine help in managing your child’s behavior or to get your kids to listen without yelling, nagging or losing control, try this FREE CLASS.

Routine 

Routine is so important in a child’s life.

It helps them understand their day, what to expect next and what is expected of them.

A daily routine chart helps children visualize their day.

When children can see that they can watch their favorite program after they have packed up, it reduces the chances of power fight.

A routine not only helps develop healthy habits but also self-regulation and coping skills as lifelong skills.

Here is an article: How To Manage Children's Behaviour With Daily Routine Charts

I have used a daily routine chart both as a teacher with my kindergarten kids and as a mom with my kids and I can tell you that they work.

Print your Free Daily routine chart template and customize it to your needs.

Let’s Recap

Children talk back or lash out because it makes them feel powerful to have a say, not because they are intentionally trying to be hurtful to you. 

We as smart and responsible parents will hand that power to our children, in the form of choices. Choices, that will work in our favour to eliminate the power struggle. 

We are going to learn more about the patterns and triggers for the outbursts, be proactive and smother the fight before it begins.

We will have special playdates with our children to form a stronger bond with them and earn their respect, so that they are always eager to please and do not even think of arguing.

We will establish a daily routine with a visual representation( daily routine chart), so that children know beforehand what they will be doing, to eliminate unnecessary tantrums and dramas.

We are going to be good role models, breathe in and out and give each other some space to calm down.

And we are going to establish clear boundaries of respect and consequences. If your child wants their way, then they must ask with good manners and respect, or they lose their privileges for a short time.

Now, if you missed the free resources to help you along the way, here they are again,

• Positive Parenting for Teaching Emotion Recognition to Totally Change Your Child’s Behaviour

• This Is How You End Tantrums Forever- Awesome Parenting Tips (Ages 2-6)

• How To Manage Children's Behaviour With Daily Routine Charts

• Free Routine Chart Template to custom make your own.